Finding courage to live my life
This statement sounds so ridiculous, but hear me out. This summer I had the realization that I was very caught up in other people’s lives (and problems). Sure I was doing some things that I enjoyed, but I was spending a vast amount of energy and time problem solving, problem anticipating and generally being my most helpful self.
There wasn’t one area that this didn’t touch; from helping friends through dramatic crises, to workplace struggles, to typical family obligations - I was always available and always making solving other people’s problems my top priority.
As a people pleaser, this is familiar - but I actually don’t believe this was people pleasing. I wasn’t trying to gain love, acceptance or approval ~ I was avoiding my own life, and my own problems.
It came to the point where I was confused, I didn’t understand how I got sucked in and I was disappointed that the attention, support and problem solving wasn’t being reciprocated. I had a lot going on ~ as we all do ~ yet I kept spending all my energy on others.
So I got some advice - as the eldest child I have to outsource the big-sister style heart to hearts (I’m so lucky that I’ve got a few gems to go to). . . and so I asked my friend how she navigates these types of situations. How to protect myself from getting sucked into everyone else’s problems?
She very kindly said that sometimes she says no, that she doesn’t have the capacity, but most often she finds everyone is so busy living their own lives that they don’t have time to get sucked into each other's problems. She affirmed that you could be supportive and loving but can’t devote too much time when you have your own life and responsibilities to get back to.
What I took away was: that I needed to get a life.
She probably doesn’t even remember this conversation but it has been one of the most impactful moments of the last few months. By focusing on helping others, and sacrificing all my physical, mental and emotional energy, I was avoiding living my own life (the good & bad).
I did not immediately get a life, but I did start to notice that I didn’t really have one. I’ve got lots of great things in life that I appreciate very much but at this moment I was more driven by helping others than by living my own life.
To some degree I had lost sight of it entirely. My summer was scheduled full of commitments, I could never say no when asked to help with something and I was actively anticipating and solving problems for others.
Now I recognize that this is a good skill, and being helpful is something I greatly value - the problem is that I was using it as an excuse to avoid my own problems and my own life. I couldn’t find the courage to address said problems or to create an enjoyable life. I say “find” because it truly felt like I had lost the courage I once had.
So that left me with: the realization that I wasn’t truly living my life, a growing mountain of evidence to support that realization and a theory that bravery, courage and discovery were the solution.
I would love to end this story by saying it’s all figured out, that I found the courage and am now happily living my life - but I am very much still on the journey to figure that out. So welcome, I hope you are okay witnessing the messy part while I figure this out.
Here’s where I’m starting:
Relying on practices that have helped in the past
Trying some (but not too many) new things
Treating it like an experiment: who knows what the outcome will be? Failure is entirely possible. Resilience is essential. Documenting, tracking and recording along the way so that I get results.
Stay tuned as I document and share this journey in real time.
