DISENTANGLING MY SELF-WORTH FROM MY ACTIONS
I'm a perfectionist and I struggle with my fixed mindset. There was a time where I truly believed that everything I did was evidence of my self-worth.
I had an awesome routine during the day? Worthy.
Slept past my alarm? Something was wrong with me.
It wasn't until I realized that I was in the fixed mindset that I was able to be more aware of my beliefs about my worthiness and decide that my self-worth doesn't have anything to do with what I do.
Where it started
I think school is a really easy place to pick up a fixed mindset. We are praised by our teachers and families for getting good grades, and those grades can determine what universities or colleges we can get into. Then what university you go to can determine your prospects for the future. In reality, education is just a tool to help us pursue our dreams and is not a measure of our self-worth.
Perfectionism and self-worth
Perfectionism is defined as "the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame." - Brené Brown
For me, this means that my actions are evidence if I'm good enough to receive love and belong OR if I will be rejected, blamed, judged and feel shame. As a perfectionist, I often felt worthy when I was pursuing ideals that others expected of me. I've gained so much love, acceptance, belonging and pride from other people telling me how great my habits are, how I seem like I've got life figured out or am on a path to success. I believed my actions were evidence of my self-worth.
The problem with believing this is:
It isn't true, and
It allows my actions to determine that I'm unworthy or unlovable
When it came to school, exercise, healthy eating, sleep schedule I truly believed that it was wrong to do it a different way than I was told to. I decided that things were only worth pursuing if they would contribute to my self-worth. If there was any chance I might fail at my endeavour then I better not even try because I don't want to feel unworthy.
The truth
I began disentangling my self-worth from my actions when I took on the belief that I am worthy because I exist. I am deserving of love and belonging because I am a human being, not because of what I accomplish.
This meant that I could pursue things without having much to lose. I could try a new habit and if I didn't keep it up or I didn't enjoy it, then I could ditch it without any guilt. All my "bad" habits, were just labelled as such and didn't make me a bad person.
By taking self-worth out of the equation, I have been able to stop bad habits and start good habits, just because I decided to. Not because it changed my self-worth in any way, but because it is something I want to do for me to help me feel better and enjoy life more.
Turns out it is true: my self-worth is inherent and has nothing to do with the action or inaction I take.
